


Pipeweed

by Enide_Dear



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Pure Crack, although i should have made an innuendo of the Crack of Doom, not that crack, yeah so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 18:46:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20493512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enide_Dear/pseuds/Enide_Dear
Summary: Gimli accendentally smokes hobbit weed instead of pipeweed. Legolas is not amused, and he's more than willing to let the suspect culprits head all about it. Unfortunatelly all of the Fellowship ends up hearing more about the elf's and dwarf's relationship than they ever wanted. Boromir did not sign up for this.





	Pipeweed

"Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. May I have a few words with you?"

Despite the rather warm and pleasant climes in these forest a day's worth of boat travel from Lothlorien, both hobbits felt a chill run down their spines like they hadn't felt since Caradhras. They both looked up from where they'd been stretching their legs on a log.

"Oh, it's just you Legolas. For a second there I thought Gandalf had returned to scowl at us." Pippin reached for his pipe again but Merry had fortunately come down enough from his high to quickly snatch it away. The look on the elf's face was enough to sober him up from the pipeweeds effect.

"Um. So how can we be of assistance to you this fine day?" Merry waved his hand in the air to disperse the fumes but somehow Legolas' face only got darker. It was somewhat disquieting to see; so far the elf had been nothing but polite and helpful to the hobbits and he had a sassy and sometimes even silly side that the hobbis appreciated. Of course, after his impromptu betrothal to Gimli in Lothlorien he'd been somewhat occupied and hadn't interacted with them much. But now it seemed they had offended him in a way that made him look like them like they were cave trolls. Merry had no idea what this was about.

"You can start," the elven prince said with ice in his voice, "by explaining this."

He took a step to the side and revealed behind him a very red-eyed and grinning dwarf who was leaning heavily and affectionately on him, seemingly utterly absorbed in the sight of a golden braid swinging in the air.

"It's. It's. It's like so soft." He whispered at the Hobbits as if revealing a great secret. "The gentle slopes and hard plains. The secret caverns full of wonders. Gold. Gold, gold, gold. Ggggggold. Where you least expect it."

"Ah." Merry said, rather defensively. "Um." He added as an afterthought as Gimli let go of his husband to grab on to Pippin, staring him ernesty into the eyes. Since his cousin was much smaller and Gimli's entire weight more or less rested on him, Merry hurried to help before they both fell over.

"Ssssssuch wonders! The secret darkness, so warm and soft. Welcoming." Gimli yearned to the both of them as they struggled to keep him upright. Legolas was staring down at them, not looking inclined to help in the predicament and from behind him could be heard the snickering from the rest of the fellowship. 

"He, umf, asked if he could borrow some pipeweed!" Pippin tried to defend himself. "So I gave him some. That's all!"

"You gave a dwarf pipeweed? Of your own stash of pipeweed?" Merry wished he could smack his cousin over the ear but both his hands were busy with one very, very stoned dwarf. He settled for a harsh stare. "Pippin you fool!"

"What did I do?!" Pippin also had his hands full of heavy dwarf and the chainmail was starting to dig into his shoulder. "He's been smoking most nights! Just like Strider!"

"Yes, Men's pipeweed! That's not like our pipeweed, you know! Theirs just smells foul and make you cough!"

"It's not the same?"

"No, Pip! You've given a beginner like a whole pipeful of ours! He's high as an eagle! He won't be any use for hours!"

"Such strong foundations. Leading up to the proudest tower." Gimli drawled, still with a note of awe.

"Why does he keep talking about his homeland?" Pippin grunted under the weight.

"He is not talking about his homeland." Legolas said coldly, causing Boromir to choke on his water at the other end of the camp as the innuendoes finally struck home.

"Ah. Oh. Well....perhaps you could just help us out here?" Merry grunted, suddenly very eager to not hear any more flowering speeches.

Legolas finally took pity on them and draped the dwarf around his own slightly sturdier frame.

"He'll be fine," Pippin tried to console the still angry elf prince. "He just needs to sleep it off."

“Jewels,” Gimli stated, still far far away, “Of such size and beauty as to be fit to be immortalized by song and tale….”

Boromir choked again. Aragorn snickered. Legolas looked like he wanted to face palm. 

"Preferably somewhere where we can't hear him," Merry added under his breath.

"If you ever subject my husband to such ignoble treatment again...." Legolas didn't finish the sentence but it was clear for the anger in his voice that he was seriously contemplating his father's dungeons.

"We wont, we wont!" Merry hurried to assure him. "It was all just a mistake. One we wont ever make again, right Pip?" he glared at his cousin who nodded and rubbed his shoulder where the chainmail was going to leave a mark.

Legolas snorted and turned his back on them, leading his husband gently away to where he could lay down and hopefully start prattling about something else instead. Merry and Pippin exchanged a look.

"Where we just scolded by the person who drank half a barrel of wine all by himself not two nights ago and then made up an impromptu song about Two Towers that was distinctly *not* about two towers?" Pippin whispered incredulous.

"Hush, keep it down! Yes, yes we were and we are not, Pippin, *not* making a fuss about it! Do you understand? I know it was an honest mistake but I think you better apologize to them both. Tomorrow. When most of it has worn off."

Pippin nodded, and then a slightly concerned frown marred his face.

"Merry?"

"Yes?"

"If like you say our pipeweed is different from what Men and Dwarves use..."

"It is."

"Should I tell Boromir that three of those cakes he just ate is probably enough?"

“Pippin!”


End file.
